We Don't Know Me

Hi friends:

You can find my latest blog at Jenny Gilliam's blogspot: http://www.jennygilliam.blogspot.com/. The title of the blog is "You Don't know Me." It's also posted below:

You don't know me so let me introduce myself. My name is Lena and I'm pretending to write a romance novel. I mean, I'm not really pretending, but it really feels like I am pretending. Sometimes I even feel like I'm pretending to pretend to write a romance novel. Good grief, it may be that I'm not actually doing anything. Is it all pretend?

As you might suspect, this pretending thing concerns me. It concerns me because I quit my day job last December with the adamant intention of finishing a full length novel by early spring 2009. So far I've written about half of a novel that - I swear to you - quite suddenly stopped making sense. And, to my horror, it seemed to take a rather dark and gloomy turn. Considering that I am known, almost universally, as the most horribly cheerful and fun-loving person you could ever meet I began to worry. This was when I started to realize that - gasp - I don't know me either! Or, at least, I don't know all of me. Who am I and what am I doing?

This question is alarming, depressing, agitating, exciting and significantly uncomfortable. It is also my loyal companion on this labyrinth-like journey of writing a book. It's not as scary as it initially seemed however because, as it turns out, it is also the fodder of my trade. Not knowing me – or what I'm doing - sparks my imagination. If I can't achieve the answers through the use of reason and logic (and trust me, I can't), than I simply must shift out of my head and into my heart. And then it comes. The story, the plot points, the characters….they simply come right out of my heart. And through these things I catch a glimpse of who I am and what I'm doing.

Maybe someday I won't have to torture myself with this dark and gloomy process of fear-doubt-surrender before I arrive at the answers. But, then again, maybe I won't. And maybe I don't want to. Maybe I don't want to end my daily journey of casting off the smallness of my mind in order to delve into the deep well of universal experience that is the birthplace of all Story? The place where I know me and you know me and we recognize one another because we understand things in this place. In that place we are all embracing love and joy and celebrating - without shame – the beauty of our bodies, our feelings, our very natures. There we are free. Whoa. I am getting all this from the process of writing a romance novel. Awesome.

So, I suppose, whether or not I ever find my book on the shelf at a bookstore or the NYT Best Sellers List I can feel confident that I am not pretending to write a romance and that I am, in fact, learning who I am and what I'm doing at every cross in the road. And I can rest assured that you do recognize me even though you've never seen my face or read my book. You understand me because you've been to that very same cross in the road yourself. It's even possible that you are there with me right now.

See you 'round - LRW

A Day in the Life

A list of the unfortunate daily rituals of one unpublished writer:

• Wake and identify excellent new plot points for story. Feel enthusiastic.
  
• Drink coffee while waking household to a bright new day. Think about exciting new ideas for story.
  
• Make 3,478th sack lunch for child.
• Argue heatedly with boisterous 10 year old son about weather appropriate clothing, politics, God, the pros/cons of sword fighting near a hot stove, the NerfGun dart that is stuck to the back of my neck, and what shoes he will wear (he will make the WORST choice).
  
• Use threats, coercion and bribery to successfully send son off to school.
• Chastise self for good measure.
  
• Search memory for new plot points identified that morning. Fail to locate them.
• Chastise self for good measure - again.
  
• Despair over writing career.
  
• Drink coffee and read email.
• Open Story on laptop.
  
• Suddenly think of something else that needs to be done right away.
• Do that other thing.
• Return to desk.
  
• Read Huffington Post.
• Consider blogging but feel inadequate for the task.
  
• Stare interestedly at toenails. Consider seeking emergency pedicure. Remember vow to stop all self-indulging behaviors until first book is published. Ha.
  
• Talk to dogs about problems.
  
• Think fondly of the days when cigarette smoking was cool. Pat self on back for quitting years ago while secretly fantasizing about making smoke rings.
  
• Pluck eyebrows thoroughly (as if this is actually possible).
• In an effort to justify lack of creativity (and to avoid having to actually WRITE), read and edit Story pages written to date.
  
• Have a snack and wonder if it is too early for a glass of wine.
• Experiment with new Epi-Lady on legs and armpits. Yeouch!
  
• Have another snack.
• Drink coffee.
  
• Drink coffee.
• Drink coffee.
  
• Re-read Huffington Post.
• Day dream.
• Nap.
• Drink coffee.
  
• Call a friend to talk about her problems.
  
• Go for walk or run or do yoga and day dream the entire time.
• Use positive self-talk to pull myself together.
  
• Sit down at desk again and disconnect from the internet.
• Despair of ever writing a complete story much less publishing one.
• Take a deep breath. Exhale.
• Begin, finally, to write.
• Write and write and write until that subtle shift occurs and I am lost in the sea of my dreams.
• Start over the next day.
  

Passive Voice

Every writer knows that using passive voice is a no no. So why do I keep doing it in my story? Is it symbolic of my inner world? Am I feeling powerless? Am I unable to control myself? Am I actually a passive and ineffectual person? Can I not bring change to my self, to my writing, to my world?

Ah ha. There's the issue.

Late last night, just before I went to bed, I read a FaceBook posting by a friend of mine. She said she was nursing a migraine and she attributed it to Election Stress. "Hey!" I thought, "Me too!" And then I hobbled and limped all the way to bed, gingerly holding my head between my hands. I felt defeated. I felt small. I felt powerless to stop the negativity and fear that is circling our country like a vulture.

This is a hard time for a romantic like me. I mean, what if there isn't a happy ending with the presidential election? Like many of us, I find myself at a crisis point. I need an epiphany! So - in hopes of achieving an epiphany or at the very least an endorphin rush - I took my pain wracked body out the door this morning and went for a jog. My body still hurts but I do feel better overall. And I did have an epiphany of sorts. A few of them even.

• Epiphany One: There is no such thing as a perfect epiphany. Elation is elusive.
  
• Epiphany Two: Jogging with your dog is really nice.
• Epiphany Three: My life is good and I am happy. I practice happiness as a form of service to the universe.
  
• Epiphany Four: I believe in - and I write about - goodness and happiness and joy. That in itself is a form of worship. I actively worship hope. I am not passive and I will immediately rewrite all unnecessarily passive sentences in my novel.
• Ephiphany Five: Love conquers all. No matter what.

Let's all try to remember Epiphany Five. Keep your hope alive, your hearts open, and keep believing. Take the risk. I promise it will have a happy ending. No matter what.

- LC

Where am I? Day One.

Hi. So I'm starting this blog very unsure, really, of what "blog" means. I suppose then I will have to define it for myself. Story of my life.

Here I am. Lena. Writer of Romantic Fiction. How did I get here?

It started with a premature mid-life crisis (very premature if you please). Suddenly overcome with the desire to be The Real Lena, I quit my job as a rising star in my profession (read over-achiever, perfectionist, exhausted martyr) and turned instead to the work I've always wanted to do: writing romance novels. It was and is so very hard for me to strive for this dream.

I was raised to believe that love, sex, humor and joy are not valuable. Drudgery, hard work and loneliness are real, according to my teachers. Like a good little pupil, I tried very hard to cover up my own innate sensuality, my loud laugh, my flirtatious smile and my womanly curves. And I most certainly hid my love for romance novels.

What a drag that was!

Off with the disguise, I say! I am a sensual woman who loves laughter, food, drink, friends and sex. I love to curl up with a steamy romance novel and know that it'll all turn out just great in the end. I love to read about strong women, strong men, strong emotions and titillating sex. Not to mention adventure and intrigue.

How could I have avoided myself for so long? Thank god I came to my senses.

I am writing about a gutsy and somewhat goofy modern day woman who is kidnapped and taken back through time to the antebellum south. Turns out she's the long lost heiress to a plantation! This is rather disturbing to her for so very many reasons. I'm sure you can imagine at least a few of them. In the process of figuring it all out, my heroine meets this really hot guy who is way too serious and loyal and really needs to have a good laugh. Somehow they manage find happiness together. I'm not entirely certain how it works out but I assure you, it is going to have a happy ending. I guarantee it. Because it's a romance novel!

This is the first full-length novel I have written. I hope to finish it soon but it's excrutiating. Like pulling teeth. And then there's the re-writes. Groan. So, to manage my own sanity, I've decided to blog about the ups and downs of being an unpublished writer of romantic fiction.

I'll try to post daily but sometimes I cannot go near the computer for fear of _______________. You fill in the blank. Please. Blank space is very scary to a newbie like me.

love - Lena